The Only Show You Should Be Watching in 2024: Eastenders

Eastenders is the epitome of Brexit Britain

Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash

I've often been made fun off for watching Eastenders, that stalwart of the BBC which tries to bring a realistic look into life in the East End of modern-day London. Of course, absolutely no-one on that street would be able to be afford to be homeowners with the price of London real estate, nor is it realistic that no-one yet has a washing machine. It's also a bit weird that there has never been a Bengali, Muslim family, despite there being a new mosque round the corner (which a right-wing nutter wanted to bomb - which actually was one of the most realistic storylines they've ever had. In 2023 Britain, even Muslim school kids are threatened with bombs - but this isn't high on the government’s list of priorities. This is because they don't actually see very much wrong with it as they are pro-killing Muslim kids and send troops to support states genociding them). But despite these little things, the show really does portray Brexit Britain perfectly.

Apparently I am one of the only few who understand the socio-political behemoth that is the single, greatest show on British mainstream television and because it has become too 'woke,' viewers are dropping like flies and this year it may be my license fee alone which keeps the show afloat. 'Stand up for what's right, even if you're standing alone' is my motto, even whilst I sit with a cuppa tea in front of the tele.

Here are a list of some of their more genius touches:

• Peggy Mitchell's iconic, "Get out off my pub!" is the epitome of Brexit Britain. Stinking, stale, dilapidated, in desperate need of a refit, full of drunks, scallywags and criminals (no, seriously, check the death stats of Albert square, you cannot move without bumping into a killer) - the British state tells all those who come to their shores to "Get out!" of the allegorical Queen Vic pub, the least attractive place on earth, but a million times better than dodging Western bombs in conflicts invariably stoked in some way by the Western Empire. The pub on the square is also the only place the residents can afford to entertain themselves as even a boat ride with your missus in a London park is £24 a pop.

• Chantelle, a victim of controlling and coercive abuse who lost her life to her abusive husband, Grey because, who the f*k cares when a handsome, white man abuses a black woman? In the UK, the police don't even bother logging them missing properly, and then when they're found horrifically murdered they take selfies with their bodies for jokes. I mean, you can't actually make this sh*t up. This was made clear in Eastenders when Grey's second wife, another black woman, faced similar abuse - isolation, coercion, threats, control - but he sobbed to a policeman about his woes and the policeman sympathised with the charming, white man and agreed that wifey may have a bit of the post-nates. Only because it's a show did this arc eventually end in his arrest but let's be honest, in real life he'd be still be abusing the f*k out his wife and still be getting all the sympathy. I've written about it before, but I say it again - black and brown women are not believed and their abuse is minimised. This is always worse when their abusers are white. It is in all these reports: here and here and here.

• Rapist, Dean, another charming and handsome white man, violated two women and got away with it, even being able to threaten his victims with libel if they spoke up. A court of law found him innocent despite us all witnessing it - and therefore in law, it didn't happen and we aren't allowed to say it did  - and that is literally the British justice system in a nutshell: corrupt, incompetent and gaslighting to f*k. If the white man in the wig says it didn't happen, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN! And if you say it did, then you will be threatened with the law and may be punished.

  The Dean storyline was also a subtle acknowledgement to the flip side of the (in)justice system, IF THE THE WHITE MAN IN A WIG SAID YOU DID THE CRIME, YOU DID THE CRIME!!! The appeals process is notoriously difficult and expensive because privileged, white boys don't ever like admit they may have been wrong. So while only 3% get their cases referred back to the Court of Appeal by the Criminal Cases Review Commission (CCRC), a massive two thirds of those appeals are successful. If there wasn't such egotistical white privilege gatekeeping, imagine how many innocents would go free rather than waste their natural lifespans as commodities for the increasingly privatised prison complex. The old boy's network that brought the globe imperialistic violence still tyrannises us all.

• This year, yet another death took place in the pub, this time another handsome, young white man was p*ssed off with his other half for dumping him at the altar before announcing the child he believed was his son was not (which to be fair, was pretty sh*tty of her and he was right to be cross). This however enraged him instead, and he began to strangle her to death as she struggled for breath. Her friends tried to pull him off, but their efforts were in vain. In panic, one of the white women stabbed him, and he fell to the floor, dead. Of the six women present, 4 were white and said they should go to the police to explain what had happened and that the police would understand and believe them and the whole ordeal would be over under the auspices and fairness of the Great British justice system; and fairies and flowers would abound.

The black woman - who is actually married to a policeman - thought this would be a terrible idea, feeling instinctively that they would not be believed despite the fact that Sharon was already showing extensive bruising around her neck.

"But we are telling the truth! All we need to do is tell the truth!" the other women pleaded.

The Indian woman looked them dead in the eye,

"When has a woman telling the truth ever been good enough?"

BOOM! TRUTH 💣.

Never tell me that Eastenders is not an intellectual juggernaut.

Maybe in the New Year, they will be super woke and give a nod to how bad genociding babies is. One can only hope.

Happy New Year to the Square.