West Bank Occupied Territories: Come Join us in Paradise!

Life in the WBOT

Photo by David McLenachan on Unsplash

My friends, I'd like you to sit back and imagine something. Close your eyes and think deeply. It's a place of beauty, where all of which you wish shall come to pass.

Imagine a place where if someone royally p*sses you off, does something unspeakable like changing a tyre on a road you want to use, or picks an olive from a tree which they planted, or lives in a house on a spot you decide you want and is yours because some man a few thousand years ago said it was because God told him so (even if 20% of the people here believe there is no God). Imagine the pain and horror and injustice of it all.

Then imagine a place where justice could be served instantly, and by your own hands. A place where if someone slights you in these grievous ways, you can grab a gun and shoot them, or get a knife and stab them to death, or throw them out of their homes or murder them in front of their children. Imagine a place, a place where the police will help you get vengeance; arrest kids on your behalf, steal their toys, destroy their bicycles, sniper their hands so they'll never do any sh*t to offend you ever again, imprison them for decades for throwing stones or even better, for just existing. This is a place called heaven, nay, it is a place even better. It is called the West Bank Occupied Territories (WBOT).

In the WBOT, we can teach our children fundamental values needed for life, such as how to hold a gun. Here, we are not plagued by 'wokeness'. If our children have violent tendencies as a part of their character -which we proudly forged- who are we to force it out of them? We should nurture their natural gifts, not tell them they are wrong! And so the national government created an entire WBOT unit for them to express themselves and act out their violence, unimpeded. This is how young people should be treated; they should be given the full, unfettered ability to be themselves. Unless they're gay. That's not natural at all.

Sure, Biden is saying he's gonna curb visas entry to the US for people in the WBOT who act violently towards these brown people who absolutely deserve it, but who the f*ck wants to go there anyway? All the batsh*t Donald Trump acolytes are only pretending to be nice to us so when the Rapture comes we will be their human shields. And if we get sick there, the hospital bills will bankrupt us: why go to the USA when at home we get excellent healthcare paid for by the Americans and harvested Palestinian organs for free?

The only thing you need to join us is to be Jewish according to the WBOT's national government's criteria. That's right, all your dad has to do is make sure your mum is Jewish and you're in! Yes! From wherever you are! Any country in the world!

The weather is glorious. Every night, we can watch the firework shows. The national government of the WBOT does not skimp: they promised us shows greater than the Gladiatorial ones of ancient Rome's and they were right. Not only do they pack more firepower than nuclear bombs, but they also provide real, live people in the arena too. All criminals of course; women and babies - all human animals. Instead of the hard stone of the Colosseum in the heat, we are given soft, comfy sofas nearby olive and lemon trees. The scent is divine, from the maybe-God himself.

At night we wanted to see the sea. Before, there were eyesores everywhere. Apartment blocks full of brown people blocking the view. But now? Now, WBOT's national government has levelled those buildings and we can see the sea! And we watch the sun up in the sky melting behind the clouds and it is magnificent!

We bask in the full glory of the maybe-God in our God-given land.

And it is glorious.