Sickness and Death - The Only Things Left

Sorry for my hiatus - I was sick to death, literally

Photo by Fusion Medical Animation on Unsplash

I want to apologise to everyone for my disappearance over the past few months. I have been seriously struggling with my health. And I thought that I’d share a bit with you.

I know so many of us have been utterly shattered and exhausted by what we have been forced to witness — genocide and barbarity over the past 18 months. When I say shattered, I mean it. The mind utterly shatters from witnessing such depravity. It shatters from screaming about it with no one in power listening; instead, they have gaslit us, imprisoned us, oppressed us, brutalised us with their police forces, and simply exacerbated their actions. They have forced our populations into sustained poverty through austerity, cutting off benefits to the vulnerable, price hikes of essentials (always controlled not by supply and demand as they would have you believe, but by government policies creating logistical costs and faux scarcity). Ambulances in the UK take hours to come — to make sure the sick are very much dead so the government saves on their welfare payments. All the while, pouring billions into tech and military companies — who work hand in hand and steal everything from us; paying off our charlatan leaders with ‘donations’ and whatever other promises we don’t yet know. Isn’t it funny that both Obama and Blair have estimated $100,000,000 fortunes after leaving power? Politics is big business, and becoming rich from politics is corruption — legalised corruption it may be, but the essence is inequity, unfairness, injustice, dishonesty, debasement — ergo, in the natural meaning of the word — corruption.

But for some of us, the physical effects go deeper. Fatigue, brain fog, lethargy — so many people have felt this from the events of Gaza alone. They are not there, yet they are suffering all the same; PTSD, depression. Real, physical symptoms.

I am someone who feels physical symptoms when faced with extreme mental stress. I am dealing with personal circumstances that have led to symptoms of CPTSD — complex PTSD; the continuous cycle of trauma. Those who know will know by the mention of CPTSD what it means and how it’s likely to happen.

The physical effects have been nothing short of astonishing. I have become very, very sick from triggering events. My heart is struggling against the stress. When such an event occurs, it explodes with pain and I can’t breathe. I have been at risk of death for so long now. And all from the unrelenting trauma I am experiencing.

I’m not in a genocide zone or a war zone where I’m sheltering in targets against drones. And yet, the trauma I experience is causing me real physical deterioration. I would never have believed it could’ve been so severe had I not experienced it myself.

And I am sure many of you are also suffering from such sicknesses caused by the depravity of the leaders we have — the malevolence of the world we live in, the evil we all feel in the air. We are all sick in some way: either from hopelessness and despair; from the mental torture of watching others tortured and murdered relentlessly, or from the real physical sickness that the Western world gifts us through neocapitalist bullsh*t — from the crap we are sold to eat, to the burnout of our bullsh*t jobs.

I have no idea how they cope. I have no idea how the people of Gaza — the men, women, and children of Gaza — starved and scared, exhausted and homeless, are able to keep going with the constant trauma, the constant CPTSD shutting down their bodies as Israel continues to annihilate them.

Sickness and death.

That’s all that’s left in the world, it seems.

And I’m literally sick to the edge of death with it all.